How “Why Dieting Doesn’t Work” articles work

Being an avid reader of fitness articles that are supposed to help people lose weight, I’ve read a good number of articles all called “Why Dieting Doesn’t Work.”

Here’s one from a website called CutAndJacked.com, a site devoted to getting cut and jacked.

They generally follow this template:

Dieting doesn’t work because your body doesn’t like dieting. blah blah blah leptin blah blah insulin sensitivity blah blah metabolism blah blah cortisol.

So instead, here’s a diet that works! blah blah blah natural food and exercise!

Yes that’s right. The entire premise of the article is that dieting doesn’t work, and then they offer you a diet that does work at the end. How are they able to do this? By introducing the loophole that if you don’t call it a diet, it can work. Additionally, if it’s a diet under the guise of “being sensible” then it’ll probably work!

Examples of the diets that do work (because they’re not called “diets”):

  • Just weight train and eat more natural foods!
  • Do circuit training and eat foods with more antioxidants, good fat, and protein!
  • Just eat what a caveman would eat and do exercises that a caveman would do!

This advice is great for people who are overweight, know that they want to lose weight, and didn’t realize that eating sensibly and exercising were required, but for everyone else, you might just want to skip articles about why dieting doesn’t work!

And now for a post about death

So I was watching Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey this afternoon as part of my personal quest into self discovery when I thought to myself, “hey, how’d they get the guy from The Seventh Seal to also be in Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey”?

Yes that’s right, I’m talking about death!

The Seventh Seal is kind of a big deal. You know that because it’s in the Criterion Collection. It seems like it’d be a big step down to appear in Ingmar Bergman’s seminole work (The Seventh Seal was actually about Native Americans) in 1957 and then appear 34 years later in a Bill and Ted movie.

But through a little Internet sleuthing, I figured out that in both cases, it’s not actually Death but actors playing Death that just happen to look alike.

Specifically, here’s a photo of actor William Sadler dressed up as death in Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey:

deathbillandted

And here’s a photo of President Dwight D Eisenhower playing Death in The Seventh Seal:

deathseventhseal

See? Not the same! And now we know.

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A Danny Tanner 180?

ImageIn my daily “hour of deep thought” today, I was thinking for a bit about shower curtains which reminded me of the episode of Full House when Danny Tanner joins Uncle Jesse’s band and chooses the stage name “Mildew.” I was thinking, “ha ha, oh Danny.”

But then I remembered an episode earlier on when Danny, Jesse, and Joey’s moms all visited and decided that they were going to move in because Danny, Jesse, and Joey were too messy and needed help with the room. The boys then decided to spend all day cleaning the house, thus proving once and for all that they were capable of taking care of themselves.

Which leads to the question: When did Danny go from messy guy to neat freak? Was there some story arc here that I missed, or was this like Laura’s sister being written off Family Matters where we weren’t supposed to notice?

Other questions:

  1. Danny was a news anchor for a daytime news show, Jesse was a musician, and Joey was a comedian. How was it that they were able to afford a house in San Francisco that could support Danny, Jesse, Joey, their three moms, and Danny’s three kids? (Yes, I realize that they expanded into the garage and the attic, but that still seems pretty impressive for San Francisco)
  2. Isn’t the fact that Danny, Jesse, and Joey only cleaned when their moms were threatening to move in just further proof that their mothers’ presence is needed in order to keep the house in order?

Facebook just changed your profile photo to a picture of a cat

Cat pictureJust a day after Facebook decided to replace everybody’s email addresses with @facebook.com email addresses, Facebook decided to release an update that replaces everybody’s profile pictures with a picture of a cat without your permission. This is likely part of Facebook’s ongoing agenda to haz a cheezburger.

For those of you that do not want your profile picture turned into a cat, just follow these simple instructions:

  1. Hover your mouse over your profile picture and click “edit profile picture.”
  2. The “profile pictures option menu” should appear and look like this:
    Image
  3.  Click on the circle and select “hidden from timeline.”
    Image
  4. Extremely Important: Click “Save” at the bottom of the menu. If you do not click save, Facebook will think that you were just joking, and your profile picture will be turned into a picture of two cats playing with a ball of yarn.
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This is what I made at work today

When I’m running on very little sleep, everything seems funny to me.

Here’s something I put together at work today:

Image

It’s like I never left Microsoft!

The pQCT machine

Today, I had the privilege of sticking an arm and a leg in a machine that looks like this:

Image

The entire time, I was thinking, “man, I hope this is the right machine, and I didn’t just stick a limb in their ‘automatic amputation machine’ which was for some reason designed to look identical to the pQCT scanner!”

Also, ever notice that you’re all relaxed and stuff until someone tells you to “hold still”? I was already holding still. Now I’m all nervous!

For those of you who are curious as to what a pQCT scanner is, it’s a time machine. My ankle and wrist have been transported back to the 1920’s where their bone density will be analyzed by a panel of British boffins. The results will be stored in a vault and opened in exactly 3 days from now.

Al 1, All the Kings Men 0

Dear Mice,

Thank you for leaving a small plate of cracked egg shells on the kitchen counter for me before you left for work. Obviously, as you knew, I have been working unsuccessfully on what I have called “Project Humpty Dumpty” for the past few years, but now with your generous contribution, I have finally been able to put Humpty Dumpty back together again.

Al 1, All The King’s Men 0

However, what I did not count on was the true story behind Humpty Dumpty. You see, Humpty Dumpty was not just an egg that enjoyed sitting on walls (as we all do). Humpty Dumpty was actually an egg-warlord, and now that I have reconstructed him, he has raised a small army and is now commanding them using egg puns.

He is currently in your room with his fellow eggs-patriots, and they will spare no eggs-pense to eggs-punge you and Tootsie from the room. He’s looking through your belongings for embarrassing things to use for eggs-tortion, and he has no plan to stop until you agree to an eggs-ile far, far away (as he also plans to eggs-tend his domain over to Jeet’s room as well).

Fortunately for both of you, Tootsie and I don’t take shit from eggs, so we dealt with the problem. That’s why there are now broken eggs splattered all over your room.

You’re welcome.

The best roommate,

Al

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Woz, chill. aight?

windowsphoneI feel like every week I’m seeing articles about how much Steve Wozniak loves Microsoft products. For example:

http://www.pcmag.com/article2/0,2817,2403714,00.asp

And I just want to be like:

Woz, chill, aight? I get it. You love Windows, and you want to marry it and have babies. Now maybe you need to step back and give Windows some time to figure out if it likes you back. You don’t want to smother it and end up ruining your chances altogether.

Just an opinion imo!

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Stop it with all the gimmicks!

Ever notice that everywhere you look, someone’s peddling some gimmicky weigh loss program? There’s lots of programs that’ll say stuff like:

  • Here are 15 easy exercises that will absolutely TORCH fat and don’t really require much work!
  • Don’t diet. Just detox by drinking a bunch of diuretics!
  • It’s not what you eat – it’s when you eat: any time you hear Al Roker’s voice!

Actually, I guess unless you live with Al Roker, the last bullet point probably will help you lose weight, but my point is: I’m here to tell you to stop it with all the gimmicks! What you really need is:

Mike’s Gimmick Free Workout Plan

Mike’s Gimmick-Free Workout Plan guarantees weight loss with:

  • Minimal effort (most of our workouts are performed sitting down)
  • No calorie/carb counting (we don’t even know math!)
  • Unlimited cheat days (consecutively!)

And all of this WITHOUT ANY GIMMICKS

Why should you trust Mike’s Gimmick-Free Workout Plan? Because Mike is his own customer!

mikefat mikekilomanjaro
BEFORE
Mike always looked displeased when he was climbing mountains.
AFTER
Mike summits both a literal and metaphorical mountain… of gimmick-free weight loss!

How does Mike’s Gimmick Free Workout Plan Work? It’s simple. We take advantage of Muscle confusion – your muscles are going to be like, “hey wait… why aren’t you making me exercise? I r confused”

So sign up today for Mike’s Gimmick Free Workout Plan!

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A Life Lesson About Flexibility

I received an email today from my gym saying, “hey everyone, great news! We’ll be doing some construction so the weight room is going to be closed for a week.” That’s minus 5 points to my gym for inconveniencing me, but it’s plus 4 points for making it sound like good news that I’m being inconvenienced.

Anywho, I was annoyed about my missed workouts for that week when I realized that it was ridiculous that I would get so upset just because someone threw a wrench (literally???) into my plans (okay not literally). What I really needed to exercise was a little flexibility.

So while the weight room is under construction, I’ll be in the group fitness room stretching to work on my flexibility. Then I’ll make a triumphant return to the weight room when it’s re-opened to move some heavy objects and the return them to their original positions.

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