Stocks are so pedestrian these days. Every publicly traded company seems to offer them. And they’re so impersonal too. When was the last time you saw a person you saw a man drop to one knee to propose to a woman, offering a stock certificate?
These days, all the rage is in conflict diamonds. What women really want are shiny objects that tell the world, “my significant other loves me so much that he or she bought me a symbol of how we as a modern society cripple the third world.” The only problem: they’re expensive!
For those looking for alternatives to conflict diamonds, here are two:
- Kimberly Process Certified Diamonds. These are diamonds that have been tracked from their mining up until the point they reach your fiancee’s finger. What’s great about them? They are identical to conflict diamonds in appearance. Even your nosy neighbor’s diamond expert “friend” won’t be able to tell that they were not mined by starving children. However, they will also be roughly the same price as conflict diamonds.
- “Cultured” or “synthetic” diamonds. These diamonds are grown in a lab with a process similar to the way Cheez-Its are produced. A giant ball of carbon starts rolling from the top of a large hill until it reaches “terminal velocity.” At this point, the carbon collides with a cracker. The carbon’s own momentum compresses it until it is shiny like a diamond. The end result is a diamond almost indistinguishable from a conflict diamond (to the untrained eye). If a trained jeweler with a loupe does examine the diamond, you can always say, “oh, I didn’t want to be responsible for child labor and conflict in Africa” (though in secret, yes you do!)
Another note on diamonds — just because they weren’t mined with child labor and used to fund war between warlords doesn’t mean that you can’t still support this. Force your nephew to mine diamonds in the back yard. Use anything he finds to contribute to Republican campaigns. Ask for a certificate to keep track of what conflict your child labor has just supported when you buy the diamond back. After all, a synthetic-conflict diamond is still a synthetic conflict-diamond!