Monthly Archives: April 2008

Health First – Glute Activation

The posterior chain is an important muscle group. It plays a big role in motions such as running, sprinting, and jumping. Likewise, it becomes physically difficult to perform many activities when the glutes are not functional. This is why glute activation is so important.

In humans manufactured before 2008, the glutes become nonfunctional if activation is not performed within 30 days of first operation. This was a feature designed by God to discourage the distribution of organs via black markets. By going through a simple glute activation process, the glute authentication is verified, and the body will be able to resume normal operation.

Feedback via prayer seems to have convinced God that the functional restrictions resulting from failed glute activation provides a poor user experience for many genuine glutes that just have not had the time to activate. This has been a huge problem for many IT departments (hospitals).

For humans manufactured post 2008 (or those manufactured pre-2008 that have installed the glute service pack), failure to activate glutes will not result in a shut down of glutes but may result in more annoyances. For example, glute users that have failed to activate glutes within 30 days of first operation may wake up one morning to find that their glutes have merged into one large muscle, preventing bowel movement. Others may just find that their glutes fire more slowly and continually encourage them to activate.

Unless you want to risk having glute failure, be sure to acquire your glutes through legitimate means such as birth. For those of you with genuine glutes, take time to activate them. Spending the extra time will surely pay off.


Web 3.0, maybe 4.0

Any time anyone in the software business mentions “web 2.0,” he or she (most likely “he”) has to wave his hands like a mad man. Why? Because it’s the next big thing. Right?

Wrong. Fact: Web 2.0 is old news. People wave their hands when they say “web 2.0” because they know how stupid it is. It’s been going on for a while. Yeah yeah yeah. It’s a new interactive form of the Internet. It uses AJAX, woo. And it really takes power away from those fat cats that control the media. Right?

Wrong. Fact: People are stupid. When you let the population of people on the Internet that know how to digg contribute to the selection of “news,” all you get are a bunch of articles about how great Ron Paul is and links to Web sites devoted to lolcats… But it democratizes the Internet, allowing really bright, talented youths develop innovative software, right?

Wrong. Fact: I don’t care that you’re a 23 year old that’s worth a billion dollars because you started a web site that’s being used around the world. You get no points because you did it accidentally when you were trying to write an application that lets college students stalk each other, and now that it’s popular, you’ve made it clear that you have no idea what you’re doing. Fact: When the Nobel committee realized that Alexander Fleming accidentally discovered penicillin as he was trying to culture bacteria that would make it easier for college students to stalk each other, they rescinded his Nobel prize. And then shot him. But these services being offered over the Internet are free and amazing, right?

Wrong. Fact: Google is drinking your milkshake. Slurrrrrp. They drink it up. And you’re liking it. You’ve got lots of milkshake, and Google is inserting their large straw into it and slurping it up.

So where do we go from here? Fact: Web 3.0. Stay tuned as I define and describe the future of the Internet.

Finding out whom amongst your friends don’t trust you – and taking advantage of those who do!

Do you ever write out a long list of who your friends are and think about them, one by one? I do. I ask myself questions like, “who would back me up in a bar fight?” One day I came up with the question, “who really trusts me?” And I came up with a test. Here’s what you do:

  1. Write a Trojan horse virus. Or better yet, use a pre-made one on the Internet.
  2. Email it to your friends. Say something innocent like, “hey check out this program I wrote. You can run a virus scanner if you don’t trust me. It’s legit.”
  3. See if you they actually ran the executable or if they had to virus scan it first.

If they scanned it and realized that you sent them a virus, then they’re a jerk. If they executed it, then you’re the jerk… but you get to find out what kind of crazy stuff they have on their computers! One of my roommates — let’s call him M Lynch… no that’s too obvious… Mike L — I found poems that he wrote for his cat Flufferbutters.

After that time I snooped around his room and found the cat poems, I just HAD to see if he had crazier stuff on his computer. Too bad he scanned the file. How about that. He doesn’t trust me to send him a safe executable, but he trusts me enough to only lock his door with a lock that can be cut with bolt cutters.

Oh, and if you’re wondering if this really works, let me tell you that it does. I trusted Shawn Fanning… until he stole Napster from me.

Is it Gross? – Buddha’s Delight

260px-delightful.jpgIt’s time for another round of “Is it gross?” Ed has returned as our special guest once again. Here’s today’s description:

Take two pig ears stewed in soy sauce. Chop these up into little pieces. Mix the pig ears with gelatinized pig blood and chicken kidneys. Place ingredients in a food processor. Add soy sauce. Process! Take the resulting mixture and bring to a boil. Add snow peas, onions, carrots, bamboo shoots, tofu, and Chinese napa. Serve this to vegetarians as “Buddha’s Delight.”

Ed’s response:

haha sounds Asian, not gross.

So despite my attempt to concoct the most foul mixture of meat products and serve it in a completely unethical manner, Ed has decided that my description is not gross but rather “Asian.”

Fortunately, for those of you who disagreed with Ed’s response and did find the mixture gross, you can rest assured that most Chinese restaurants do not taint their Buddha’s Delight with meat products. Vegetarians that cannot find anything better in Chinese menus will continue to find refuge in the sanctuary of Buddha’s Delight.

Looking back at my adventures in Chinese restaurants, Buddha’s Delight has always fascinated me as it seems to be ubiquitous in Chinese restaurants in the US. According to Wikipedia, Buddha’s Delight is an authentic Chinese dish enjoyed by monks (presumably of the Benedictine order — the article does not specify). The article also states that Buddha’s Delight is traditionally served during the first days of the Chinese New Year, which is a tradition that stems from the Buddhist practice of not eating meat for the first five days of the New Year as a form of “self-purification.”

News-flash: First, I’ve never met a Buddhist monk that ate meat during the other ~360 days of the lunar year either. And I’ve met about 5, which makes my anecdotal evidence compelling. Second, anything served “traditionally” in China needs to be available for hundreds of millions of poor people. Buddha’s Delight is essentially a bunch of vegetables thrown in water with salt and soy sauce added. Think about this next time you consider paying $15 for it.

Thanks for joining me in wondering if it’s gross. Next time: something REALLY possibly gross or not.