Monthly Archives: June 2008

Futility and the art it became

milk Last night, an attempt to open a carton of milk went awry when the plastic fastener absolutely refused to come off. Though the cap does indeed twist off, each time I see the milk in the refrigerator with the fastener hanging off, I am reminded of my failure.

This was a failure that I felt I needed to share with the world (via my blog), but when I photographed it, I realized that I had potentially produced the most artistic photo I have ever photographed. Just look at the contrast! The reflection! The chiaroscuro! I barely know how to use my new camera!

And failure becomes victory!


How not to write an email (or a blog post)

adamandthemoogMy fellow bloggers at and I have joined forces, linking our blogs to each other’s blogs. To celebrate this union, I’ve started a category of blog entries in which I point out their flaws on the Internet for everybody to see.

Today’s topic: How not to write an email (or a blog post).

The specific lesson: The body is not an extension of the subject line. Or title either.

Exhibit A

Of course, you can always ask, “says who?” and attack my non-existent credentials, but really, it’s just not right. Sure, they should be related, and in some cases, the first words in the body can be the subject line or title, so long as the body is not a continuation of the subject line (or title).

Oh, and one last thing: it is never okay to put the entire body of your email into the subject line, leaving the body itself blank.

And that’s all for this post — be sure to check out!

Melissa Theuriau and why the Web exists

In 1989, Sir Tim Berners-Lee invented the World Wide Web. Why? So that some time in the distant future, some guy could spend 10 minutes learning html and create this web site (safe for work), posting 29 screen caps of the French news anchorwoman Melissa Theuriau. Mr Berners-Lee, I have one thing to say to you:



Viewer Mail – Your hot first date

moors As I look through the hundreds of mail I get every day, I find that there’s one question that I get all the time: “if I were hypothetically to meet a girl and take her on a first date, where should I take her?” Sure, you could always show her that you’re not creative and possibly addicted to stimulants by taking her out to coffee, or you can try some of these ideas:

  1. A performance of the Ring Cycle. The Ring Cycle is a 15 hour series of four operas composed by Richard Wagner (see his myspace profile here!). Taking a girl to see the Ring Cycle is a bold move. It says that you’re interesting, that you care (you want her to understand Wagnerian Opera as he intended), and that you may be a bigot. Extra points: Bring foam hands for both of you that show your support for the Al Hambra Moors (note: there is no reference to get here).
  2. Faking the Moon Landing (on BluRay!) You’ve got a really nice 40″ plasma TV, Blu-Ray player, and a sweet 11.1 surround sound system. Why not show it off with a documentary (in High Definition!) that reassures her that you’re no fool. You’re onto the government and their liberal agenda. Extra points: Show her that you’re onto their conservative and centrist agendas as well.
  3.  Your place of work (WARNING: obscure sexual innuendo). Forget about the real you. Teach her about the you that’s you for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, and then maybe she’ll teach you about the she that that she is for 8 hours a day, 7 days a week. Extra points: Take the opportunity to introduce her to role playing. For example, you can be you, and she can be an HR contractor that wants to talk about corporate citizenship.
  4. Her own apartment. Pick her up at her apartment. Drive around in a really big circle, and end up back at her apartment. This is what we Venusian artists call “the fast track to intimacy.” Extra points: Have her pick you up instead. Give her directions that take her on a circuitous route back to your apartment.

Where ever it is that you take her, just make sure it’s original. And if you do use one of these suggestions, please, PLEASE email me about how it goes.

A brief history of Tarot card reading

tarot The history of Tarot card reading begins in the first century, anno domini, with the invention of “poker.” Poker was one of the most preferred games of the Ancient Romans.

Of course, 2 thousand years ago, poker was a very different game. Instead of having paper cards, Romans would play with tiles of dried clay, and instead of playing with a deck of 52, they would play with 6 tiles:

  1. The “fold”
  2. The pair
  3. The two pair
  4. The three of a kind
  5. The straight
  6. The royal flush

The royal flush tile was the tile of highest value, and the player that drew the royal flush would win. However, winning at poker in the first century was not necessarily a good thing as poker players generally carried weapons, and the winner was most likely to be stabbed and robbed. Ancient mystics, noticing that those who drew the royal flush were generally beaten and robbed, used poker tiles to predict the future, and the royal flush became widely associated with death.

In the year 70 AD, just before his seige of Masada, the Roman emperor’s son Titus summoned a tarot tile reader to find out if his seige would be successful. When presented with the deck of tiles (faced down, of course), Titus drew the “three of a kind.”

“Oh good,” Titus said, “it’s not the death card. What does the three of a kind mean?”

“I really don’t know,” replied the mystic. “I really only know what the death card means.”

The mystic stood awkwardly as Titus glared at him.

Cut to the Chase – The Happening

“Hey kid, I’m a computer. Stop all the downloading!!!”

Star Trek: The Next Generation’s Downtime

PicardAre you a fan of Star Trek: The Next Generation? Or any Star Trek series for that matter? If so, you’ve probably wondered:

  • Why is the ship constantly malfunctioning?
  • Why don’t members of the crew ever have to use the bathroom?
  • Why are all of the command officers constantly going on away missions together?

The fact of the matter is that if this were not the case, then the series would not be very exciting. Most people would not pay to watch things on the Federation flagship go smoothly. But for everyone else, Viacom is releasing the DVD set Star Trek: The Next Generation’s Downtime is for you. This set, to be released in both standard definition and BluRay formats, will include 5,0o0 hours of mundane footage aboard the Federation Starship Enterprise D. Included will be the following episodes:

  1. Episode 5 – An away team of one ensign and several crewman come in contact with a mysterious form of bacteria on a planet near the Romulan Neutral Zone. When beamed back to the Enterprise, biofilters in the transporter remove the bacteria, and the crew remains healthy.
  2. Episode 12 – Lt. Commander Data takes command of the bridge during the night watch. He stares blankly at the viewer for 8 hours until Captain Picard relieves him. An ensign at the helm is seen nodding off at hour 4.
  3. Episode 23 – Commander Riker orders some Pad Thai (spiciness level of 3) from the replicator. He makes a comment that replicated Pad Thai does not taste as authentic as the real thing. Geordi makes a comment about never having been to Thailand. After dinner, Riker drops a deuce and then returns to bridge duty.
  4. Episode 40 – The Enterprise encounters an alien probe floating through space. Their analysis shows that the probe is technologically archaic. The probe then opens fire on the Enterprise and attempts to take control of the ship’s computer. The deflector shield blocks the phasor blasts, and the computer does not give archaic probes control of the ship. Picard orders the probe to be destroyed.
  5. Episode 43 – Ensign Crusher develops a love interest with a girl. To impress her, he goes to the gym and does bicep curls, push ups, and crunches for half an hour. He then hops on the elliptical machine for another half hour.

Star Trek: The Next Generation’s Downtime is expected to hit stores in August, 2008.