Viewer Mail – Your hot first date

moors As I look through the hundreds of mail I get every day, I find that there’s one question that I get all the time: “if I were hypothetically to meet a girl and take her on a first date, where should I take her?” Sure, you could always show her that you’re not creative and possibly addicted to stimulants by taking her out to coffee, or you can try some of these ideas:

  1. A performance of the Ring Cycle. The Ring Cycle is a 15 hour series of four operas composed by Richard Wagner (see his myspace profile here!). Taking a girl to see the Ring Cycle is a bold move. It says that you’re interesting, that you care (you want her to understand Wagnerian Opera as he intended), and that you may be a bigot. Extra points: Bring foam hands for both of you that show your support for the Al Hambra Moors (note: there is no reference to get here).
  2. Faking the Moon Landing (on BluRay!) You’ve got a really nice 40″ plasma TV, Blu-Ray player, and a sweet 11.1 surround sound system. Why not show it off with a documentary (in High Definition!) that reassures her that you’re no fool. You’re onto the government and their liberal agenda. Extra points: Show her that you’re onto their conservative and centrist agendas as well.
  3.  Your place of work (WARNING: obscure sexual innuendo). Forget about the real you. Teach her about the you that’s you for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, and then maybe she’ll teach you about the she that that she is for 8 hours a day, 7 days a week. Extra points: Take the opportunity to introduce her to role playing. For example, you can be you, and she can be an HR contractor that wants to talk about corporate citizenship.
  4. Her own apartment. Pick her up at her apartment. Drive around in a really big circle, and end up back at her apartment. This is what we Venusian artists call “the fast track to intimacy.” Extra points: Have her pick you up instead. Give her directions that take her on a circuitous route back to your apartment.

Where ever it is that you take her, just make sure it’s original. And if you do use one of these suggestions, please, PLEASE email me about how it goes.


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