Monthly Archives: August 2008

Are you out of touch with 4th grade science?

gallimimus “No mooom, it’s a gallimeeeeemus.”

Yeah, you remember saying that back in the day. Because back in 4th grade, we were all experts at 4th grade science. We knew all about how dinosaurs were believed to be more closely related to birds than they were to reptiles, and we knew the order of the planets in our solar system by heart.

Fast forward about 14 years, and it’s pretty clear that we don’t know anything anymore. I realized this while watching PBS. All of a sudden, Pluto’s not a planet anymore because of the Kuiper Belt, and as for the extinction of the dinosaurs that nobody really understood? Well, it’s pretty much consensus among the scientific community that it was a combination of a meteor strike, volcanic activity, and exorbitant gas prices.

10 years in the future, when your kids are 7, they’re going to tell you something that you didn’t know about something that you used to think was cool, and you’ll feel blind sided. They may even correct your pronunciation of “gallimimus” (which will, by that time, be galli-my-mus). But rest assured, being the adult and allowed to curse, you can always say, “f*** you kid, I invented the gallimeemus.”

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The Forever Stamp

foreverstamp It costs the same amount as other stamps, but unlike other stamps, it will always be valid first class postage for envelopes. It is the forever stamp. And it makes little sense.

Or does it? Why would anyone pay $0.42 for a stamp when the price has been raised 6 times since 2001? Personally, I’d be willing to pay $0.50 for a stamp if it meant that I wouldn’t have to go out and by a coil of $0.01 stamps every time the rate increased.

I did a little investigative reporting, and by that, I mean that I went to the United States Postal Service web site and thought about it for a minute, and I came to the conclusion that there really is no reason to buy anything but the Forever Stamp.

Really, unless you’re expecting UPS, FedEx, and the Internet going out of business and oil producing countries to start distributing free gas at least once a week, you should just get the Forever stamp.

The only exception is if you’re like me, and you’ve got a sheet full of $0.41 Gerald Ford stamps. I’ll get a roll of $0.01 stamps until my Gerald Fords are gone, and then I’ll invest in the Forever Stamp.

Thanks for letting me waste a few minutes of your life.

Cut to the Chase – Stick It

Stick it, a film just about as good as its movie poster To celebrate the Olympics, I’ve chosen the movie Stick It, a movie about the greatest sport of all time: Women’s Aerobic Gymnastics.

Stick It is about an teenaged ex-gymnast Haley Graham (played by Missy Peregrym, you may recognize her from the WB hit TV show Black Sash starring Russell Wong). Haley Graham’s got a tough-girl attitude, refusing ever to practice gymnastics again… That is, until her antics land her in court where the judge gives her the option between practicing gymnastics and going to juvenile hall.

Graham chooses gymnastics over incarceration, and after practicing for a few months under Burt Vickerman (played by Jeff Bridges), an ex-trampolinist and women’s gymnastics coach, frowned upon by the rest of the gymnastics community for being in the illustrious competitive women’s gymnastics coach just for the money, Haley and a group of other gymnasts are invited to compete at nationals.

At nationals, we find out that the reason that Haley had refused to ever practice gymnastics again was because she found out that her mother had left her father for her previous gymnastics coach DURING HER LAST NATIONALS COMPETITION. As in, she was about to win, but just before her last event, her coach was like, “oh by the way Haley, I’m getting with your mom.”

After a few events where her teammates are robbed of good scores at the nationals, the film takes a turn as Haley goes on a crusade to screw the national gymnastics association for inconsistent scoring practices. By colluding with other competitors, Haley is able to choose the winner of each event by convincing other competitors to scratch (or in other words, not compete).

In the sequel Stick It 2: In it to tie it, we find that the finalists elected by Haley’s techniques fail to qualify for the Olympics, and the US goes unrepresented in women’s aerobic gymnastics for the first time since the inception of the modern Olympics.

Yet another excerpt from my autobiography

Here’s a short excerpt from my autobiography from the chapter titled, “The Amateur Cryptographers Club”

And then it hit me: Henderson had used the Caesar Cipher to encrypt the message. After applying a couple rules of thumb (the letter ‘e’ is usually the letter used most frequently, the most common 3-letter word is “the,” etc), I was able to decrypt the message, which was a famous, motivational quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson. Through his message, Henderson was encouraging me to keep going.

Later in life, a friend of mine from the Amateur Cryptographers club told me that Henderson’s daily Cryptogram in the Philadelphia Inquirer was always a famous quote, it was always encrypted with a Caesar Cipher, and it was likely not directly at me. Fortunately, at that stage in my life, I didn’t need Henderson’s wisdom anymore as I had a new source of inspiration: Dr. Phil.

Cut to the Chase – Teeth

teeth_movie_poster2Thanks to Netflix, I was able to watch Teeth today. What’s teeth about? Well, basically, picture Jess Weixler on a 90 minute journey, thinking:

Oh no, I have teeth in my vagina. I’m cursed!

…or am I…

My only real complaint about the movie was that they’d show cooling towers from a nuclear power plant spewing smoke. Nuclear power plants don’t work like that. This had nothing to do with the plot.

And that’s it for this edition of Cut to the Chase. Who here’s excited about Death Race, opening August 22nd?

Cut to the Chase – The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

What do we think about the movie that pairs Russell Wong and Jet Li for the first time since Romeo Must Die 2: 2 Romeo 2 Must Die? Well, it all came down to this:

Pilot: I’d tell you to buckle up, but I was too cheap to buy seat belts!

Rick: ha ha ha why am I laughing?

Al leans over to Kyle

Al: What kind of person comes to watch these movies?

John Hannah’s character is shown with vomit on his face. The woman in the row in front of me starts laughing hysterically and clapping.

Al: Oh.

But at least now, we can look forward to Mummy 4: Walt Disney’s Cryogenically Frozen Body.

Another excerpt from my autobiography

Here’s another excerpt from my much anticipated autobiography — this time, written by me:

A few thousand years after I finished construction, GQ sent a writer to interview me about the experience. I told him about how I had initially begun construction of the Great Wall of China as a huge tourist attraction, but as it turned out, it also kept the Mongol invaders out. Who would’ve guessed that a giant wall would do that?

When the interviewer asked me what I planned to do next, I said that there was still a lot of work to do on the wall. In the future, overpopulation will be rampant, there will be an even more endless supply of cheap labor, and every country will have its own Great Wall. We have to stay one step ahead.

The next ten pages show illustrations of potential upgrades to the wall.

Local man hits jackpot at casino

casino On Saturday, Aaron Turtleman, IT manager for a local software business, hit the jackpot at the Tulalip Resort Casino playing nickel slots, winning a whopping $20 after spending only 30 cents.

“I was so surprised,” said Turtleman. “I never expected I’d ever be this lucky. I was just hoping to make between $5 and $10!”

Despite his new fortune, Turtleman plans to continue working as an IT manager. “I won’t let this money change me. I’ll still keep going to work every morning. It’ll just be nice to know that I can have a little extra money to retire on.”