The five of you that read this blog are probably wondering what happened to it since I haven’t updated in quite some time. Well, long story still somewhat long:
Unlike most blogs, I hand-write my blog entries and mail them to Korea to get them transcribed. Unfortunately, while my last blog post was on its way to Korea, the shipping service I used fell victim to the economic downturn, and all of their packages were held in the Korean customs office, 40 miles south of Seoul.
The only way to claim items seized by customs is to go to the actual office where it’s being held and bring 1 form of category A ID, 2 forms of category B ID, and 3 different forms of bodily fluid with mitochondrial DNA, messenger RNA, and DNO. (DNO has not yet been discovered by American scientists).
Unfortunately, I suffered the same fate as my blog post, and when I was on the plane to Seoul, the airline went out of business, and we were forced to emergency-land at Kansai Airport in Japan. Because I had a deadline (all international packages seized by customs in South Korea are to be burned after 48 hours), I traveled light, thinking that this would let me get through the airport faster. What I neglected to realize was that I hadn’t declared my airplane peanuts, which is considered food imported to Japan.
Since Japan doesn’t actually have crime or jails and had no idea how to handle my case, my processing was outsourced to a Vietnamese company called Pho-Justice, an international noodle soup and penal consulting agency. Fortunately for me, Pho-Justice had just been subject to international scrutiny for their interrogation techniques, which had since undergone big changes. The new process included two sessions of boarding (essentially water boarding without any water) and three sessions of Nerf caning (in which little kids beat the subject with padded Nerf canes).
After all of that, I was able to keep my story straight, and I was sent back to the US. However, in the time that I was gone, my blog post had been incinerated, and I found out that my friend Matt got AIDS as the topic of his paper which he was stressed out about. Now he’ll be on a cocktail of medication for the rest of his days in that class to keep him awake and researching his topic.
But I think he’ll be fine as long as he stops going to those bath houses and spends more time writing his paper. On my side, I’ve found another company to transcribe my posts, and now the posting will continue.