Monthly Archives: February 2009

Al makes another mistake

In the following sequence of events that occurred today, I made exactly one mistake. See if you can identify which one it was.

Thursday, February 26

8:59 AM – Wake up. Look out the window and see snow.

9:00 AM – Check work email to see if people are going to work today.

9:18 AM – Head to work

5:40 PM – Head home from work

6:30 PM – Walk to the bar to meet people for drinks.

9:30 PM – Walk home from the bar.

10:55 PM – Make myself some instant Ramen. Crack in 3 eggs.

11:00 PM – Take my contacts out.

Al makes a mistake

I am not perfect. Nobody is. The following is a short tale of a mistake that I made. You will be given the opportunity to think about what you would’ve done in this situation.

Sunday morning, 10:00am – I take out the trash and replace the trash bag.

Sunday evening, 7pm – Upon making dinner, I realize that my meat has gone bad.

What do I do?

Obviously, I should throw it away. But if I throw it away, it’ll likely make my apartment smell bad.

But if I throw it away and then take the trash out again, this will be a waste of a trash bag. My current trash bag is completely empty!

What would you do?

Looking back, I would’ve just eaten the cost of the wasted trash bag and just taken the trash out. What I did instead was:

  1. Take out a new trash bag
  2. Throw the bad meat into the new trash bag
  3. Roll up the new trash bag to make it harder for odor to escape.
  4. Toss the rolled up trash bag with the rotten meat into my trash can.
  5. Called it a day.

So I managed to find the solution that both stunk up my apartment and wasted the trash bag.

I can’t hit girl!

You know the scene in Romeo Must Die where Jet Li’s character is losing in a fight to a girl because he “can’t hit a girl,” so instead, he maneuver’s Aaliyah’s character’s body to fight the girl?

If you think about it, he’s really hitting two girls…

White people refrigerate soy sauce

200px-Soy_sause_display But Asian people do not. To us, the thought of refrigerating soy sauce sounds silly.

Additionally, we don’t put soy sauce on white rice. That’s silly too.

A Brief History – I’ll have the Rankine scale, please.

thermometer Looking back, I really don’t appreciate the attitude with which elementary school teachers discuss US customary units (or for you Brits, Imperial units). Sure, they’re not as easy to convert as metric, but you don’t have to be such un-American assholes about it.

The fact of the matter is that they were convenient. Take feet and miles for example. When was the last time you really cared how many feet away something really far away was? You didn’t. Why? Because feet, by definition, measure distances that you’d walk, and miles, by definition, measure distances that you’d drive. And when you drive, you go way to fast to care how many feet it is. And when you walk that, you don’t care about miles. That’s really far away. Having an easy-to-remember conversion factor would just discourage you on your long walk.

But Al, so far, everything you said can still be applied to kilometers and meters. Couldn’t you just redefine miles and kilometers to make them easier to convert?

Right, it’s that easy. We should definitely redefine the mile tonight and repost all of our road signs with updated distances so you assholes can multiply and divide by 10 IN THE COMPUTERS YOU’RE USING TO DO THE MATH FOR YOU ANYWAY.

Sure, when Napoleon conquers America and imposes the metric system on us, we’ll embrace it warmly by teaching all kids metric. And while we’re at it, we’ll kill two birds with one stone by teaching it in art class while we’re teaching them how to make white flags of surrender.

But Al, how about Fahrenheit? There’s nothing practical about it! Water freezes at 32 and 212? It seems completely arbitrary.

Yeah, you would think it’s arbitrary, but when was the last time you really cared what exact temperature water froze or boiled at? Really, if freezing and boiling water is what really matters, we should measure temperature based on the time it takes to freeze and boil water when you put it in a freezer or on a hot stove.

But practically speaking, wouldn’t it make more sense to have a scale that would be practical and tell you something? Like, for example, where the average temperature of the atmosphere at the earth’s surface is centered at 50, and 0 and 100 degrees are two standard deviations away from the mean? So when you find that it’s zero outside or it’s 100 outside, you can say, “wow, it’s way f’ing cold” or “wow, it’s way f’ing hot.”

Yeah, me too. Unfortunately, Fahrenheit isn’t like this. But my point was that you didn’t know this. Once you thought about it, you thought that it was perfectly plausible. You were just being an asshole about it by assuming that it didn’t make sense.

(If you’re curious, it was zeroed at the stabilized temperature of a mixture of ammonium chloride and ice, it was 32’ed at the freezing point of water, and it was 96’ed at the human body temperature when measured at the arm pit.)

In any case, in the spirit of staunchly defending all things American by pointing out flaws in all things foreign, I continue this argument by saying that all you metric-o-philes will feel so silly once technology advances. Why?

As technology advances, we will start caring less about water, and we will start caring more about absolute zero. Combining scientific advances with American Fahrenheitism, we will use the Rankine scale, which is essentially the Fahrenheit scale zeroed at absolute zero. I’ve already adopted the Rankine scale. Just the other day, I found myself saying, “damn, it’s like it’s 591 today. It feels like just yesterday, it was only 560.”

But more importantly, the real flaw is that metric is too highly dependent on the base-10 number system. In the future, when base-12 takes over, and 1/3 can be represented in a non-repeating decimal (or as we call it, twelvimal), teachers are going to be equally snooty and unEuropean as they’re saying, “some people that lacked foresight created metric which is so difficult to convert as it involves multiplying and dividing by 6B4 (pronounced six hundred beaty four). How arbitrary!”

There. I hope your eyes have been opened. Stay tuned for my next post in which I invent Kentucky Fried Turkey – the healthy alternative.

Audience members shot in an acoustic performance of MIA’s Paper Planes

LOS ANGELES – 10 people were injured during MIA’s acoustic performance of the hit single “Paper Planes.” The song involves gun fire from a 9mm pistol and a ringing cash register. 9 members of the audience were injured by pistol rounds reflecting off the ceiling. One member of the band jammed his thumb shutting the cash register’s tray.

In other news, STOP TELLING ME I CAN’T EAT PEANUT BUTTER. I LIKE TO EAT PEANUT BUTTER.

Keenan Thompson and the Texas cheerleader scandal

Keenan Thompson continues to get laughs with his “confused bystander” character on SNL. What’s his secret? Is it that his viewers find themselves easily able to identify with his character as many have at some time in their lives been confused bystanders? Is it his trademark “surprised” facial expression?

No. The answer is much more devious. It’s a sign that lights up telling the audience to laugh.

Unfortunately, I did not see the sign, and thus I had no reason to find SNL funny tonight.

…which gave me the opportunity to watch Fab 5: The Texas Cheerleader Scandal on Lifetime: Television for Women.

Fab 5: The Texas Cheerleader Scandal is the prequel to the horror flick The Texas Cheerleader Chainsaw Massacre, in which five cheerleaders with a problem with authority end up becoming cannibals, living in the woods, and wearing leather masks.

The prequel tells the story of a cheerleading coach that overcomes adversity. And by adversity, I mean 5 teenage girls.

So what did the 5 teenage girls do? They went wild. (And in the sequel, they go feral!)

That’s really the entire movie. Al out.