Monthly Archives: August 2009

Cut to the Chase – Valentine

200px-Valentine_film For those of you planning to watch the film Valentine, IT WAS THE KINDA PRETTY GIRL THAT USED TO BE FAT GETTING REVENGE BECAUSE SHE USED TO BE FAT.

Now you have no reason to watch it and can spend your time better elsewhere. You’re welcome.

Cut to the Chase – Death Tunnel, the Tunnel that Eats People

daylight I recently had the privilege of watching the film Daylight, a late 90’s film starring Sylvester Stallone which I’d describe as “Cliffhanger but in a tunnel.”

I knew in the first ten minutes of this film that it was going to be awesome. Why? Because the writer kept packing things into this tunnel. These include:

  1. Several toxic waste trucks
  2. Jewel thieves in a high speed chase
  3. A bunch of snooty-sounding rich people
  4. Viggo Mortensen
  5. Sylvester Stallone, playing a cab driver
  6. A bunch of tunnel workers that appear really happy

And in the first ten minutes, the word “tunnel” was used at least once every 15 seconds. So you know what this is like, I’ll use the word “tunnel” in every sentence in the next paragraph.

So what happens in this movie about the tunnel? The jewel thieves are in a high speed chase trying to escape the cops, so they decide to try to take the a tunnel. They then crash into toxic waste trucks which cause the tunnel to explode. A bunch of people are trapped in the tunnel. Sylvester Stallone finds all of the survivors in the tunnel and leads them into the tunnel’s wine alcove. Behind the wine alcove is a tunnel that leads all of the survivors into John Malkovich’s head. After about 15 minutes, the tunnel survivors are dumped out onto the side of the New Jersey Turnpike. Everyone dies a little bit after their experience with the tunnel. The end (of the tunnel).