Do you know where your anus is?

Electric_300x225Do you know where your anus is, or do you only think you do? Close your eyes, and imagine a person that is 6 feet tall standing on the ground. Is the person’s anus 3 feet off the ground, slightly above that, or slightly below it?

On my first day volunteering at the hospital, I was being trained by another volunteer named Bethany. One of the first things she showed me was how to set up a stretcher.

stretcherTo prepare a stretcher, you first disinfect the inflate-y thingy (sorry but I’ll be using complicated medical terminology today) on top of the stretcher’s padding. Then, you put on top of the inflate-y thingy a 3×2’ protector thingy that’s supposed to prevent pee or poop-related accidents from sullying the inflate-y thingy. Then you do other stuff that is not relevant to this article.

After I observed Bethany set up a stretcher, she watched as I set one up. I first disinfected it, and then I placed the protector thingy on it where I thought it belonged (where I thought most people’s anuses would be). Bethany had this look on her face that  conveyed deep thought as she observed my placement of the protector thingy, and after a few seconds of thinking about it, she moved it up a few inches.

Whoa! Did I get that wrong? Did I misjudge where the anus is on the body, or did I just misjudge the average height of our patients? Alternatively, was SHE the one that’s misjudging something?

I’m not going to tell you where I placed the protector thingie – that’s pretty beside the point. The real question is: do you know where the anus is? How confident are you? Or is this the sort of thing we take for granted until we have to prepare stretchers?

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3 thoughts on “Do you know where your anus is?

  1. Mike says:

    This is hard. Is the person placed on the stretcher so that their head reaches the top or so that their feet reach the bottom? If you’re not sure, look at the stylesheet for the stretcher. It’ll say either “vertical-align: top;” or “vertical-align: bottom;”.

    I feel like people’s height varies too much to accurately place it anywhere on the stretcher unless the orderlies specifically ass-align when plopping the person down (excuse unintended anus-related loaded word). If I had to place it, though, I’d do about 8 inches above perfectly centered.

  2. alhwang says:

    Interesting! Did you infer that the stretcher was 6 feet long? I actually don’t know how long they are, but I’ve heard that William Wallace’s stretcher was 7 feet long and needs an extra protector thingie for the bolts of lightning that come from his arse.

    8 inches above top dead cenna though… That’s interesting!

    Btw, the pillow is always placed in the same location — about 6″ below the edge. I think that’s how people align themselves when they get onto the stretcher.

  3. T says:

    By looking at your diagram, and assuming the stretcher was 6 ft long, my first impression was that your protector was too low… but I’ve seen a lot of 32-inch inseam pants lying around the house. These pants are worn by a 6ft man. The bottom of the anus has to be just above that. Does the anus lie just below the 3 ft mark? Hm. In that case, your diagram might be right. And what is with these mind games? Why don’t you just TELL me where the anus is?

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