Monthly Archives: July 2011

Your doll looks eerily like a doll

pennywiseWhen you’re a kid, everything’s scary. The dark is scary. Clowns are scary. Big whoop – people understand it, you get over it as you get older, and life goes on.

When you enter adulthood, things that scared you as a kid aren’t supposed to scare you anymore. I used to be so afraid of the Pennywise the clown from the film It that I would be afraid of being alone for weeks after seeing the film, but I got over it… mostly. (Note: I did consciously decide not to add the picture of the clown to my post until right before I submitted it so I wouldn’t have to stare at it while I wrote this). Really, adults are supposed to be afraid of different things like muggers, communism, venereal disease, etc.

But I maintain that there’s one thing that’s scary for children and way creepy for adults: DOLLS.

Now, before I go any further, not all dolls are scary. The following are fine:

Hand_made_dolls okdolls

They’re clearly happy and harmless. And even the following are fine:

intentionallycreepydoll scarydoll

I mean, sure, they’re scary, but they’re intentionally made to be scary, and you just acknowledge that the person who designed them was sick, and life goes on. However, there’s this next category of doll which is just creepy:

creepydoll Shirley-Temple

WTF??? It’s like someone designed these dolls to be life-like enough to make them seem like they have the potential to be sentient beings but doll-like enough so that if they were sentient, they’d clearly not share human values and resent humans from bringing them into this cruel world.

I was inspired to write this post because in the elevator in my apartment, this woman was carrying this creepy looking doll. At first, I thought it was odd that it was the woman who was carrying it and not her daughter, but then I noticed that the doll was piercing into my soul with her stare, expressing that her ability to communicate was stifled by her creator’s inability to give her a working set of vocal cords, and then I kinda thought “ah, yeah, if I were that kid, I wouldn’t want to hold that doll either.”

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When it’s okay to like Harry Potter

hermioneEarlier, I shared an article about why it’s okay to like Harry Potter. In this post, I look at the timing aspect of this and describe when it’s okay to like Harry Potter.

One cannot like Harry Potter all the time. Quoth Plato’s Republic, “the sound of the flute played in the Phrygian mode, like Harry Potter, is recommended to improve the disposition of children and adults in certain circumstances.”

So when is it okay to like Harry Potter? Simply, it’s when you’re in any one of the following situations:

  • You are dressed up as a character from Harry Potter.
    At this point, you might as well embrace it.
  • You are watching Harry Potter
    Once again, you’re already there, you might as well sit back and enjoy Alan Rickman take over the scene as Severus Snape.
  • There is at least one girl around you that likes Harry Potter.
    You don’t just start talking about Harry Potter if it’s just a bunch of dudes. However, this does not apply to Hermione Granger. You are always allowed to like Hermione Granger.
  • You are a girl and you’ve read the books.
    This one is just based on observation. I don’t know of any girls that like Harry Potter but haven’t read the books. I postulate that it’s because it’s not socially acceptable.
  • You wrote the books
    JK Rowling and Truman Capote are both allowed to like Harry Potter.
  • Someone is being obnoxious about how much they like Lord of the Rings and the only thing that would bring them down a notch is a well-structured argument about why Harry Potter is better than Lord of the Rings.
    Lord of the Rings is about elves and orcs. Harry Potter is about love and aspiring to meet one’s full potentials. And little banker goblins.
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Lion-eating and flag-burning

lion-king-34A friend of mine Joe is from South Africa, and some time ago, we were talking about African safaris. Specifically, I asked him if we could go on a safari if I visit South Africa, and he enthusiastically said yes. I then asked him if we could hunt and eat lions, and he said, “what? No, you can’t kill lions. If you shoot a lion, I’ll shoot you.” (Irony forthcoming?)

I didn’t realize that lions were endangered, but I get that if they are, you don’t want to hunt them for food. After all, you can get plenty of micronutrients from non-endangered things like apples and kale.

But just last night, I was watching The Ghost and the Darkness (or was it Wall Street… I always get those two mixed up), and there were these two giant lions attacking people, and I figured that if they’re attacking people, it has to be okay to shoot them, right?

So today I bring this question to Joe, and his response is, “ah yes, if they’re attacking you, then it’s okay to shoot them, and in that case, you should probably eat them.”

Interesting! At that point, I concluded that eating lions seems to be like burning flags. You don’t want to do it, but sometimes (like when you don’t want to waste dead lion meat or you don’t want to let the flag get desecrated) it’s the right thing to do.

And on one final note: did anyone detect irony? It appears that it’s encouraged to kill humans in defense of lions unless you’re killing lions in defense of humans. Okay I guess that’s not irony, but it’s probably passable as irony to the untrained, non ivy-league ear.

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Cut to the Chase–Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead

fatsickFat, Sick, and Nearly Dead is a documentary about an overweight Australian guy who goes around the US having the following conversation with Americans in different parts of the US:

Australian:  Hey there. Do you eat vegetables?

American: No.

Australian: How do you feel about your weight?

American: I should probably lose some weight, but I enjoy food too much. I’d rather die happy.

Australian: Ah. You know, I’m on this fast.

American: Yeah?

Australian: Yeah, I don’t eat anything. Instead, I put a bunch of vegetables and fruits in a juicer and drink my food.

American:  Oh

Australian: It’s full of micronutrients. Instead of all of those refined chemicals.

American: Yeah?

Australian: I’m losing a lot of weight, and it’s curing my urticaria.

American: That’s good.

Australian: Want to try it?

[Cut to parking lot where Australian and American are behind the Australian’s truck. The Australian blends up some juice (in the back of his truck) and both the American and the Australian take a sip.]

American: That’s not bad.

This conversation is repeated with other people for the next hour and a half. Moral of the story: If you’re suffering from bizarre autoimmune conditions, ask your rheumatologist about putting vegetables in a juicer!

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Blogging technology (and web 4.0????)

I wanted to take a time out from writing meaningful, hard-hitting blog posts to talk about an observation I’ve made about Windows Live Writer:


It apparently supports the font “Arial 9.7.”

That’s crazy right??? I didn’t know that technology existed. I remember back in the day where you were stuck with Arial 12 (barf), 10 (meh, okay), or maybe 8 (that’s tiny!), but the holy grail of 9.7 with the perfect balance between readability and aestheticsseemed like it was at least two decades away. But today, my friends, it is here!

And that’s all I have. Everyone can go change their underwear now (assuming you’ve soiled yourself, which I have in writing this).

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Cut to the Chase– Quantum of Solace

220px-Qos-teaserEva Green and I started dating a few years back when Casino Royale made it to cable TV. We’d see each other about once a week on weekends, and at first, everything was great. It felt like we really hit it off. We had a lot in common, every date seemed new and exciting, (and she wasn’t bad looking either). However, after a while, things started to get old, she just seemed really predictable, and she’d always end up with the suave British guy.

Fortunately, Quantum of Solace finally came to cable last week which helped me get over Eva. Unfortunately, the plot of Quantum of Solace goes like this:

  1. Evil guy representing world-wide terrorist organization goes to general of rebel army and offers to take down the existing government, giving power to the general. Evil guy does this in exchange for land that doesn’t seem to be of any value.
  2. General accepts the offer!
  3. Evil guy delivers and then reveals that the land controls 60% of the country’s source of water and sells the water back to the general at a marked up price.
  4. General declines the offer!
  5. Evil guy threatens the general with violence if the general does not reconsider.
  6. General accepts the offer!

Well-played, evil guy! But I feel like you could’ve just cut to the chase had you done this:

  1. Evil guy threatens the existing regime with violence if they do not give him a lot of money.
  2. Evil guy throws a dinner party which involves large bowls of ice cream and dough nuts (I got this idea from Harry Potter).

So that’s my cutting to the chase of Quantum of Solace. Perhaps next time, I’ll write about something I’m really passionate about: bears wearing a fez and riding disproportionately tiny tricycles.

Why it’s okay to like Harry Potter

Last week, I watched Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows pt 2 (which I’ve also heard referred to as ‘arry Potter 7.5). The story made no sense to me, and I couldn’t understand anything anyone was saying because of the British accents.

At first, I assumed that the problem was that I hadn’t seen the other movies, but upon talking to my Harrytard friends (is that offensive? I should’ve called them Potterheads), I realized that I have in fact seen all of the movies, and I already knew plenty of the back story. The plot just didn’t make any sense.

But I digress! I actually do like Harry Potter. I am a weight lifting, combat sporting, motorcycle riding, bacon eating guy, and I think Harry Potter is an okay series of movies for the following reasons:

  1. Hermione Granger, Ginny Weasley, and sometimes, Luna Lovegood.
    Add to cart!
  2. Alan Rickman as Severus Snape.
    Have you ever seen the Family Guy clip about Alan Rickman’s answering machine? Brilliant!
  3. Wizards eat like pigs
    Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and think about the mountains of ice cream, giant bowls of jello, and copious pies and cakes from Half-blood Prince.

So ya, that’s about it. I feel like I could probably post a series of articles about specific problems I have with Harry Potter storylines, but I’ve got a long list of higher priority things I wanted to gripe about like Lord of the Rings.