As you may have noticed, you received a package in the mail today from Newegg, and since you are currently in Miami, I took it upon myself to pick it up for you. Upon opening it (to check for security threats), I noticed that it was a piece of computer hardware, and in an act of altruism, I promptly installed it into my computer (to prevent it from oxidizing).
Unfortunately, after installing the hardware into my computer, the hardware, in the tradition of almost every episode of “Star Trek: The Next Generation” where someone installs a piece of hardware into something, became sentient and fused into my computer. Looking more closely at the fused parts, I, as an aspiring doctor of both computers and people, have decided that the computer part cannot be removed without “killing” a sentient life form, and therefore the only ethical way forward would be for you to purchase a new part from Newegg. To prevent this from occurring again, please schedule the shipment for a time where you will be in New York to receive the package.
The Best Roommate,