Category Archives: Movie Gripes

Not really cutting to the chase–Cowboys and Aliens

220px-Cowboys_&_AliensHave you ever woken up in a movie theater, looked up at the screen, and thought to yourself, “really? We’re still on this scene?” That’s what happened to me when I was seeing Cowboys and Aliens today.

I’d love to do a “cut to the chase” summary about this film but I really just don’t know what happened. There were a bunch of people and a bunch of aliens, and things happened, and I don’t know why, and there seemed to be a lot of people firing revolvers at bullet-proof aliens. Oh, but arrows and sticks seemed to hurt them.

What might be more interesting is that I got to test my motorcycle gear in a movie theater during a long, boring movie. The tests I conducted were:

  • Sitting in them in an air conditioned theater for about 2 hours
  • Sleeping in them for some periods

Results: It was pretty warm. Ventilated boots don’t really keep you cool when you’re not at speed, and any time you fidget, which you’ll do during a boring movie, you make a loud swishing noise.

So there you have it—that’s my review of my motorcycle pants.

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Cut to the Chase– Quantum of Solace

220px-Qos-teaserEva Green and I started dating a few years back when Casino Royale made it to cable TV. We’d see each other about once a week on weekends, and at first, everything was great. It felt like we really hit it off. We had a lot in common, every date seemed new and exciting, (and she wasn’t bad looking either). However, after a while, things started to get old, she just seemed really predictable, and she’d always end up with the suave British guy.

Fortunately, Quantum of Solace finally came to cable last week which helped me get over Eva. Unfortunately, the plot of Quantum of Solace goes like this:

  1. Evil guy representing world-wide terrorist organization goes to general of rebel army and offers to take down the existing government, giving power to the general. Evil guy does this in exchange for land that doesn’t seem to be of any value.
  2. General accepts the offer!
  3. Evil guy delivers and then reveals that the land controls 60% of the country’s source of water and sells the water back to the general at a marked up price.
  4. General declines the offer!
  5. Evil guy threatens the general with violence if the general does not reconsider.
  6. General accepts the offer!

Well-played, evil guy! But I feel like you could’ve just cut to the chase had you done this:

  1. Evil guy threatens the existing regime with violence if they do not give him a lot of money.
  2. Evil guy throws a dinner party which involves large bowls of ice cream and dough nuts (I got this idea from Harry Potter).

So that’s my cutting to the chase of Quantum of Solace. Perhaps next time, I’ll write about something I’m really passionate about: bears wearing a fez and riding disproportionately tiny tricycles.