Category Archives: Viewer Mail

Bear Grylls’ next challenge – wtf is wrong with people?

About half a year ago, I wrote a little blog post about a fictitious episode of Man vs. Wild in which Bear Grylls is dropped into the movie Waterworld. In it, I spend two paragraphs explaining why Bear Grylls is badass and one pointing out that some people disagree.

And then this dumb ass posts a comment:

Hey Who s the hell moth**fuc**ng guy made this blog…
i dont think u tht much know anything abt surviving..
u can jus do sitting front of computer wid some pornography…..
can u dare to grab a livin snake n eat it 2 survive…??
i think u will immediately come back wid ur wet pant….
then jus fffffffuuuuccckkkk yyyooouuuuu…
bear grylls rocks!!!
– from his true fan

To which I have the following response:

  1. There’s an entire “about” section in which I describe myself. Feel free to read it.
  2. You discredit your own argument with your terrible spelling.
  3. I don’t think you actually read the blog post.

So that said, have a good night everyone.

Viewer Mail – The Trojan War edition

achilles For today’s viewer mail, we’ve decided to pull a classic letter from our archives from a man named Menelaus. He writes:

Dear Al,

My wife recently ran away with another man, and I’ve kind of started a war over it. I’ve been besieging Troy for about 10 years so far. Is 10 years too long for a war?

Sincerely,

Tired in Troy

Well Menelaus, the classic answer is that there’s no right length for a war — it’s more of a matter of what’s a good duration for you. However, in reality, 10 years is a long time for any war. Think about all of the logistics and supplies. It’s also got to be quite wearing on your warriors, especially because the 10 years doesn’t include their trip back. What if one of your warriors commits hubris and challenges one of the Gods who then in turns sends them on a 10 year journey just to get home? It’s bad for your warriors, and it looks bad in the history books.

My advice: end it. Perhaps a peace offering such as a wooden statue of a horse would convince the other man to give you your wife back.

Viewer Mail – Your hot first date

moors As I look through the hundreds of mail I get every day, I find that there’s one question that I get all the time: “if I were hypothetically to meet a girl and take her on a first date, where should I take her?” Sure, you could always show her that you’re not creative and possibly addicted to stimulants by taking her out to coffee, or you can try some of these ideas:

  1. A performance of the Ring Cycle. The Ring Cycle is a 15 hour series of four operas composed by Richard Wagner (see his myspace profile here!). Taking a girl to see the Ring Cycle is a bold move. It says that you’re interesting, that you care (you want her to understand Wagnerian Opera as he intended), and that you may be a bigot. Extra points: Bring foam hands for both of you that show your support for the Al Hambra Moors (note: there is no reference to get here).
  2. Faking the Moon Landing (on BluRay!) You’ve got a really nice 40″ plasma TV, Blu-Ray player, and a sweet 11.1 surround sound system. Why not show it off with a documentary (in High Definition!) that reassures her that you’re no fool. You’re onto the government and their liberal agenda. Extra points: Show her that you’re onto their conservative and centrist agendas as well.
  3.  Your place of work (WARNING: obscure sexual innuendo). Forget about the real you. Teach her about the you that’s you for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, and then maybe she’ll teach you about the she that that she is for 8 hours a day, 7 days a week. Extra points: Take the opportunity to introduce her to role playing. For example, you can be you, and she can be an HR contractor that wants to talk about corporate citizenship.
  4. Her own apartment. Pick her up at her apartment. Drive around in a really big circle, and end up back at her apartment. This is what we Venusian artists call “the fast track to intimacy.” Extra points: Have her pick you up instead. Give her directions that take her on a circuitous route back to your apartment.

Where ever it is that you take her, just make sure it’s original. And if you do use one of these suggestions, please, PLEASE email me about how it goes.

Viewer Mail!

I’m starting a new segment called “Viewer Mail” where I share my fan mail with you.

Today’s letter comes from CapitalOne. He writes:

CapitalOne auto buying. We’re your shortcut to a great deal.

Capital One Auto Buying makes car-buying easier.

Because you’re already a Capital One customer, you qualify for special, low, No Hassle pricing on a huge selection of new and used cars at exclusive partner dealerships near you. Less time at the dealership, a quick buying process, and a great low price all add up to our No Hassle promise when you buy your next car.

Dear CapitalOne,

Thanks for the mail! It’s really support from fans like you that motivates me to keep this blog going! I’ll definitely look into finding great deals on auto buying, but I think I’m doing pretty well with my current car. It has treated me pretty well for the past few months. Thanks again for the mail. Keep it real!

Love,

Al