To all you folks dating in the new millennium — I know you’re young and have plenty of time to make mistakes before you find what you’re ultimately looking for. But let me impart some wisdom on you.
A lot of you are looking for a significant other that is:
But let me warn you — though it may feel like the right thing to do at the time, you’ll regret it. The truth is that all of these qualities are fleeting. The smartest girl you know became a conspiracy theorist. Your witty boyfriend makes jokes that are only funny to himself and his friend Mike. The unique girlfriend is unique in a way similar to the way everyone else is unique. Your successful beau gave all of his money to Bernie Madoff.
What lasts a lifetime, however, is good looks. No one obsessed with the fitness stops going to the gym. Because it eats at them. Like a brain disease. Forever.