A note to all you young single guys/gals out there

To all you folks dating in the new millennium — I know you’re young and have plenty of time to make mistakes before you find what you’re ultimately looking for. But let me impart some wisdom on you.

A lot of you are looking for a significant other that is:

• smart
• witty
• unique
• successful

But let me warn you — though it may feel like the right thing to do at the time, you’ll regret it. The truth is that all of these qualities are fleeting. The smartest girl you know became a conspiracy theorist. Your witty boyfriend makes jokes that are only funny to himself and his friend Mike. The unique girlfriend is unique in a way similar to the way everyone else is unique. Your successful beau gave all of his money to Bernie Madoff.

What lasts a lifetime, however, is good looks. No one obsessed with the fitness stops going to the gym. Because it eats at them. Like a brain disease. Forever.

Have the Green Police gone too far?

My apartment complex people hired the Green Police to go through all of the apartments and make energy-saving optimizations. I was absolutely thrilled to get new, energy saving light bulbs at no additional cost to me. However, in the following cases, I think they may have gone too far:

1. They replaced my personal halogen reading light with a CFL that isn’t as bright.
2. They replaced the pre-existing CFL light bulb in my personal floor lamp with an even weaker CFL light bulb.
3. They replaced my Sonicare electric toothbrush with a non-electric toothbrush.
4. They removed the motor from my blender.
5. They replaced my Hungry Man TV dinners with Healthy Choice TV dinners.
6. My toilet no longer flushes.
7. They replaced my TV with a hamster cage.

What do YOU think?

I’m always ready to say "Samosas"

I recently brought 5 boxes of Girl Scout cookies to bring into work to share. And whenever someone asks me what kind I got, I’ll always take a second to think, and then I’ll respond, “I got 5 boxes of Samoas.”

Why do I always take a second? Because this logic always gets called:

whatYouGot = “Samosas”;

if(whatYou’reTalkingAbout == “Girl Scout Cookies”) whatYouGot = “Samoas”;

Which is a fancy way of saying, I’m always ready to say “Samosas,” but I’m always aware that could be wrong, so I have to think about it to figure out if what I mean to say is actually “Samoas.”

Here are some other scenarios that are affected:

Question: What do you want for appetizers?

Response: …Samosas!

And additionally, there’s some extra logic in my head for this:

Question: Who was that baseball player that was in the home run race with Mark McGuire?

Reponse: …Sammy Sosas!

"…but I don’t want to look like Al."

There’s one phrase that I seem to hear way more than anyone should, and that’s, “…but I don’t want to look like Al.”

Why do I hear it so often? Because whenever the topic of physical fitness comes up, it ends up resulting in someone trying to convince someone else to try lifting weights. And one of the reasons always ends up being, “and if you do, you can look like Al.” To which everyone replies, “…but I don’t want to look like Al.”

So for those of you that want to convince your friends to lift weights, can we all agree on two things: they probably don’t want to look like me, and I don’t want to hear them say that they don’t want to look like  me?

Thanks.